Not quite a new year’s resolution, it’s more like an annual occurrence.
It’s a new year which means that I am going to be consumed by SAD, not Seasonal Affective Disorder, but Serious Attempts (at) Dieting.
I don’t think I am alone in this but my body is not a pear or apple shape, it’s more like a strange exotic fruit whose shape has yet to be officially recognised!
I’ve tried most diets over the years. Those where you follow a regime, turn up at a village hall on a Wednesday night, creep onto the scales right after that last tinkle to lose that last half pound, to receive a gold star, only to go out and have a celebratory glass of wine and put it back on again! I have tried the “never shall protein and carbohydrate pass they mouth on the same day” diet, the vile or not so vile flavoured powders and liquids, and probably every type of diet club there is going. Juicing was too much of a faff for me and counting calories was just mind-numbingly boring. I loved the “eat 80% vegetables and 20% meat” version but, as I like my meat, it meant a huge intake of vegetables with all-natural and very spectacular results.
In my younger days I tried squash, not the orange variety but the run around like Usain Bolt whilst trying to smash a miniscule ball version. My opponent was, of course, very good at it and just stood there using the odd flick of his wrist. It occurred to me that when I was that good (ever the optimist), I too would just be standing there and that there would, in fact, be no long term benefit. (You can always find an excuse if you want one badly enough!)
My main problem is that, basically, I don’t eat and, when I do eat, it’s too late in the day. Mrs Metabolism never really wakes up and swings into action. She’s in a constant sleep mode which means that what goes in just sits there – usually on the hips. So my new year’s resolution is what will be, for me, the opposite of dieting – I am going to eat more, much more! I am going to have three square meals a day. It’s not going to be easy, I’ll have to get up 10 minutes earlier for a start!
I might even treat myself to a new, comfy saddle for my bike and start cycling. Up and down the drive should do it for the first month and then maybe I can make it to the bend in the road. It’s not sounding too good is it? However, wherever I go I won’t be doing it late in the day. My son came home one night, as white as a sheet. He was cycling home and a wild boar had charged at him, he had the presence of mind to lift his legs up and, he said, went wobbling off up the road. Me on a bike, wobbling? That could a good description of what is to come – in every sense!
See you next issue.
First published in the January/February 2019 issue of The Local Buzz